An Old Letter

I've been digging through my files and found this letter I was writing you back at the end of summer. Thought I'd put it here:

You know that I was hoping that this time away from you would help me see with clarity my feelings and where we are going with our marriage. But I’m afraid it hasn’t. I’m still so confused and frightened of the potential change to our life and relationship.

So I’m going to write this letter to you not with the intention of giving it to you but to help find some sense of what I’m feeling.

First, I know that I still do love you in that I care about you and your well-being. But I am wondering, especially in the past few weeks, if I am still in love with you. During our separation, there were plenty of times when I missed you dearly and I think about the good things that have happened in our marriage.

But the thought of living a life without you as my wife scares and depresses me…and then at times I think that it might be best. When I think back of the last few weeks, and since our marriage turned for the worst, I see you exploring so many aspects of your life that I knew was hidden inside of you. You go on this amazing trip to Peru, you’ve taken the risk of transitioning your job into a potential career in something you find passion in, and you’ve even explored a friendship with Portia and tried different things such as Crush Pad.

I know that you expressed to me that all of these positive changes in your life has been lessened because we are not truly together to share in these new and excited changes. But I can’t deny that all of these changes are in part due to the fact that there was a shake up in our marriage.