The Reality of a Fracked Up Mind
I went to this Halloween event last night. It was really an amazing production. But I started reflecting and in disbelief that it was only a year ago that we were dressed up as Rick James and in our 80’s costume. Was it really just a year ago? And then I started thinking about all of our costumes over the years.... the Napsters, Austin Powers…we were really something.
I’ve often feel selfish whenever I experience something I know that you would enjoy here. Like yesterday, I went to this Japanese pastries place on 50th Street. The place, as well as the yummy desserts, were all beautifully designed and laid out. I could imagine your saying that it reminded you of something back home. And then I start to think about how disappointed your father must be in me. He was so happy that we were together.
The Reality
Reality is setting in and I feel that my holiday is over. I start work in just three days. It seems that it has been more than just a holiday over the past couple of weeks; but rather one over several years. It really has been a holiday since January 1998 before we left for the Poynter fellowship. It was really the last time I can remember when I had a true 9-5 job, right? Come Halloween I know that I will be doing that daily newsroom grind. But it’ s exactly what I had been waiting for, right? Everything I’ve been working towards….
Knowing this, the settling reality is, to say the least, unsettling. The choices I’ve made in the last few months are coming to a head. The pain and goodbyes that we’ve endured are now really requiring us to face the new reality. It’s ironic, sort of, that we’re making these huge headways at the same time, with my new job starting as well as your going back home…all in the same week.
My Head Is Not Yet Screwed In
I found it difficult to accept this new reality, really, especially in the last couple of days. It’s been sort of a dream…or a nightmare depending on how you look at it. I know that you will be facing your own new challenges when you go back home…and in finding your own place both literally and emotionally.
Remember a time back when I said that I wish I could get my head screwed in right before I start work. I don’t think I’m there. But whether I’m ready or not, it’s starting. I need to be ready for this new challenge. But there have been so many times the last few days when I needed you… selfish I know. But I feel alone, even though I know I’m really not. But like I wrote earlier, I miss home and a part of that homesickness is not sharing my life with you.
I wish you knew how much I want to call or text you. It’s so painful to know that you are simply a few keystrokes away to say ‘lala’ or ‘dede.’ But yet we don’t. I go around in my head that it would be ok if we did… that we promised each other that we could connect in that way just to see if we’re there. Then I start to imagine, in panic, that you might change your mobile number. I wish I knew for sure that not txt’ing or calling is the best thing for you. Cause I feel that it’s not the best for me. That a simple call or the sound of your voice would be enough for me to say, we’re OK. Our friendship will endure this… and that, once again, in the future, we’ll find a way to reconnect…. to share in our experiences and our own growth.
I’ve often feel selfish whenever I experience something I know that you would enjoy here. Like yesterday, I went to this Japanese pastries place on 50th Street. The place, as well as the yummy desserts, were all beautifully designed and laid out. I could imagine your saying that it reminded you of something back home. And then I start to think about how disappointed your father must be in me. He was so happy that we were together.
The Reality
Reality is setting in and I feel that my holiday is over. I start work in just three days. It seems that it has been more than just a holiday over the past couple of weeks; but rather one over several years. It really has been a holiday since January 1998 before we left for the Poynter fellowship. It was really the last time I can remember when I had a true 9-5 job, right? Come Halloween I know that I will be doing that daily newsroom grind. But it’ s exactly what I had been waiting for, right? Everything I’ve been working towards….
Knowing this, the settling reality is, to say the least, unsettling. The choices I’ve made in the last few months are coming to a head. The pain and goodbyes that we’ve endured are now really requiring us to face the new reality. It’s ironic, sort of, that we’re making these huge headways at the same time, with my new job starting as well as your going back home…all in the same week.
My Head Is Not Yet Screwed In
I found it difficult to accept this new reality, really, especially in the last couple of days. It’s been sort of a dream…or a nightmare depending on how you look at it. I know that you will be facing your own new challenges when you go back home…and in finding your own place both literally and emotionally.
Remember a time back when I said that I wish I could get my head screwed in right before I start work. I don’t think I’m there. But whether I’m ready or not, it’s starting. I need to be ready for this new challenge. But there have been so many times the last few days when I needed you… selfish I know. But I feel alone, even though I know I’m really not. But like I wrote earlier, I miss home and a part of that homesickness is not sharing my life with you.
I wish you knew how much I want to call or text you. It’s so painful to know that you are simply a few keystrokes away to say ‘lala’ or ‘dede.’ But yet we don’t. I go around in my head that it would be ok if we did… that we promised each other that we could connect in that way just to see if we’re there. Then I start to imagine, in panic, that you might change your mobile number. I wish I knew for sure that not txt’ing or calling is the best thing for you. Cause I feel that it’s not the best for me. That a simple call or the sound of your voice would be enough for me to say, we’re OK. Our friendship will endure this… and that, once again, in the future, we’ll find a way to reconnect…. to share in our experiences and our own growth.
posted at 3:41 PM
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